Chapter 28

How Can I Get Over a Crush?

“FOR most teens,” wrote one youth-oriented magazine, “crushes are as common as colds.” Almost all youths experience them, and almost all manage to survive to adulthood, with their pride and sense of humor intact. However, when you are caught in the grip of a crush, there is little to laugh about. “I was frustrated,” recalls one youth, “because I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew she was too old for me, but I liked her. I was really bent out of shape over the whole thing.”

The Anatomy of a Crush

It is no sin to have strong feelings for someone​—provided such are not immoral or improper (such as for someone married). (Proverbs 5:15-18) When you are young, though, “desires incidental to youth” often rule your thoughts and actions. (2 Timothy 2:22) Still learning to control the new and potent desires unleashed by puberty, a youth can be full of whipped-up romantic feelings​—and have no one to lavish them on.

Furthermore, “girls become poised and socially at ease at an earlier age than boys.” As a result, “they often find their male classmates immature and unexciting compared to teachers” or other older, unattainable men. (Seventeen magazine) A girl might thus imagine that a favorite teacher, pop singer, or some older acquaintance is the “ideal” man. Boys often become similarly infatuated. However, the love felt for such distant figures is obviously rooted more in fantasy than reality.

 Crushes​—Why They Can Be Harmful

While most crushes are amazingly short-lived, still they can do a lot of damage to a youth. For one thing, many objects of teenage affection are simply not worthy of esteem. A wise man said: “Foolishness has been put in many high positions.” (Ecclesiastes 10:6) Thus a singer is idolized because he has a smooth voice or striking looks. But are his morals worth praising? Is he or she “in the Lord” as a dedicated Christian?​—1 Corinthians 7:39.

The Bible also warns: “Friendship with the world is enmity with God.” (James 4:4) Would it not jeopardize your friendship with God if you set your heart on a person whose conduct God condemns? Too, the Bible commands, “Guard yourselves from idols.” (1 John 5:21) What would you call it when a youth decorates his or her room wall to wall with pictures of a singing star? Would not the word “idolatry” fit? How could this possibly please God?

Some youths even allow their fantasies to override reason. One young woman says: “Whenever I ask him how he feels​—he always denies having any feelings for me. But I can tell by the way he looks and acts that this isn’t true.” The young man in question has tried to be  kind in expressing his disinterest, but she just won’t take no for an answer.

Writes another girl of her infatuation with a popular singer: ‘I want him to be my boyfriend, and I have prayed that it come true! I used to sleep with his album because that was the closest I could get to him. I’m at the point where if I can’t have him, I’ll kill myself.’ Could such mindless passion be pleasing to God, who commands us to serve him with “a sound mind”?​—Romans 12:3.

Says the Bible at Proverbs 13:12: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” Cultivating romantic expectations for an impossible relationship is thus unhealthy, unrequited love being cited by doctors as a cause of “depression, anxiety, and general distress . . . sleeplessness or lethargy, chest pains or breathlessness.” (Compare 2 Samuel 13:1, 2.) One infatuated girl confesses: “I can’t eat. . . . I can’t study anymore. I . . . daydream about him. . . . I’m miserable.”

Think of the havoc you wreak when you allow a fantasy to dominate your life. Dr. Lawrence Bauman observes that one of the first evidences of a runaway crush is a “slackening off of school effort.” Isolation from friends and family is another common result. There can also be humiliation. “I’m embarrassed to  admit this,” says writer Gil Schwartz, “but I behaved like a buffoon during my crush on Judy.” Long after the crush has dissipated, memories of your following someone around, making a scene in public, and in general making a fool of yourself can linger.

Facing Reality

King Solomon, one of the wisest men who ever lived, fell desperately in love with a girl who did not return his feelings. He poured upon her some of the most beautiful poetry ever written, telling her she was “beautiful like the full moon, pure like the glowing sun”​—and got absolutely nowhere with her!​—Song of Solomon 6:10.

Nevertheless, Solomon eventually quit his attempts to win her over. How can you, too, regain control of your feelings? “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 28:26) This is particularly true when you are caught up in a romantic fantasy. However, “he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.” This means seeing things the way they are.

“How do you tell legitimate hope from unfounded hope?” asks Dr. Howard Halpern. “By looking carefully and coldly at the facts.” Consider: How much of a chance is there of a real romance developing with this person? If the person is a celebrity, the odds are you will never even meet this person! Your chances are equally dim when some older person, such as a teacher, is involved.

Furthermore, has the person you like thus far shown any interest in you at all? If not, is there any real reason to believe that things will change in the future? Or are you simply reading romantic interest into innocent words and actions on his or her part? Incidentally, in most lands it is customary for men to take the initiative in romance.  A young girl can humiliate herself by aggressively pursuing someone who simply is not interested.

Besides, what would you do if the person actually returned your affections? Are you ready for the responsibilities of marriage? If not, then “remove vexation from your heart” by refusing to dwell on fantasy. There is “a time to love,” and that might be years later when you are older.​—Ecclesiastes 3:8; 11:10.

Analyzing Your Feelings

Dr. Charles Zastrow observes: “Infatuation occurs when a person idealizes the person she or he is infatuated with as being a ‘perfect lover’; that is, concludes that the other person has all of the characteristics desired in a mate.” However, no such “perfect lover” exists. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” says the Bible.​—Romans 3:23.

So ask yourself: How well do I really know this person I have set my heart on? Am I in love with an image? Am I blinding myself to this person’s flaws? One objective look at your dream lover may be enough to pull you out of your romantic stupor! It is also helpful to analyze the kind of love you feel for this person. Says writer Kathy McCoy: “Immature love can come and go in a moment . . . The focus is on you, and you’re simply in love with the idea of being in love . . . Immature love is clinging, possessive, and jealous. . . . Immature love demands perfection.”​—Contrast 1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.

Getting Him or Her Off Your Mind

Admittedly, all the reasoning in the world does not entirely erase how you feel. But you can avoid feeding  the problem. Reading steamy romance novels, watching TV love stories, or just listening to certain kinds of music can worsen your feelings of loneliness. So refuse to dwell on the situation. “Where there is no wood the fire goes out.”​—Proverbs 26:20.

A fantasy romance is no substitute for people who really love you and care for you. Do not ‘isolate yourself.’ (Proverbs 18:1) You’ll probably find that your parents can be quite helpful. For all your attempts to conceal your feelings, they have probably already discerned that something is eating away at you. Why not approach them and give your heart to them? (Compare Proverbs 23:26.) A mature Christian may also prove to have a good listening ear.

“Keep busy,” exhorts teen writer Esther Davidowitz. Take up a hobby, do some exercise, study a language, begin a Bible research project. Staying engrossed in useful activities can ease the withdrawal symptoms quite a bit.

Getting over a crush is not easy. But with the passage of time, the pain will subside. You will have learned much about yourself and your feelings, and you will be better prepared to deal with real love should it come in the future! But how will you be able to recognize ‘real love’?

Questions for Discussion

□ Why are crushes common among youths?

□ Who often are the objects of youthful romantic fantasies, and why?

□ Why can crushes be harmful?

□ What are some things a youth can do to get over a crush?

□ How can a youth avoid feeding a romantic fantasy?

[Blurb on page 223]

‘I can’t eat. I can’t study anymore. I daydream about him. I’m miserable’

[Picture on page 220]

Crushes on older, unavailable members of the opposite sex are quite common

[Picture on page 221]

Taking a cool, objective look at this person may cure you of your romantic notions