Chapter 31

How Do I Know If It’s Real Love?

LOVE​—to starry-eyed romantics it is a mysterious visitation that seizes you, a once-in-a-lifetime feeling of sheer ecstasy. Love, they believe, is strictly an affair of the heart, something that cannot be understood, just experienced. Love conquers all and lasts forever . . .

So go the romantic clichés. And no doubt about it, falling in love can be a uniquely beautiful experience. But just what is real love?

Love at First Sight?

David met Janet for the first time at a party. He was immediately attracted to her shapely figure and the way her hair tumbled over her eye when she laughed. Janet was enchanted by his deep brown eyes and his witty conversation. It seemed like a case of mutual love at first sight!

During the next three weeks, David and Janet were inseparable. Then one night Janet received a devastating phone call from a former boyfriend. She called David for comfort. But David, feeling threatened and confused, responded coldly. The love they thought would last forever died that night.

Movies, books, and television shows would have you believe that love at first sight lasts forever. Granted, physical attractiveness is usually what makes two people  notice each other in the first place. As one young man put it: “It is hard to ‘see’ a person’s personality.” But what is it that one “loves” when a relationship is but a few hours or days old? Is it not the image that person projects? Really, you don’t know much about that person’s thoughts, hopes, fears, plans, habits, skills, or abilities. You’ve met only the outer shell, not “the secret person of the heart.” (1 Peter 3:4) How enduring could such love be?

Looks Are Deceiving

Furthermore, outward appearances can be deceiving. The Bible says: “Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain.” The glittering wrappings of a gift tell you nothing of what’s inside. In fact, the most elegant wrappings may cover a useless gift.​—Proverbs 31:30.

The Proverbs say: “As a gold nose ring in the snout of a pig, so is a woman that is pretty but that is turning away from sensibleness.” (Proverbs 11:22) Nose rings were a popular adornment during Bible times. They were exquisite, often made of solid gold. Naturally, such a ring would be the first piece of jewelry you would notice on a woman.

Appropriately, the proverb compares an outwardly beautiful woman who lacks “sensibleness” to a “nose ring in the snout of a pig.” Beauty simply does not befit  a senseless woman; it is a useless ornament on her. In the long run, it no more makes her appealing than would a gorgeous nose ring beautify a pig! What a mistake it is, then, to fall ‘in love’ with the way someone looks​—and ignore what that person is inside.

“The Most Deceitful Thing There Is”

Some, however, feel that the human heart has infallible romantic judgment. ‘Just listen to your heart,’ they argue. ‘You will know when it’s real love!’ Unfortunately, the facts contradict this notion. A survey was taken in which 1,079 young people (ages 18 to 24) reported having experienced an average of seven romantic involvements up to that time. Most admitted that their past romances were mere infatuation​—a passing, fading emotion. Yet, these youths “invariably described their current experience as love”! Most, though, will likely one day view their current involvements as they did their past ones​—as mere infatuations.

The tragedy is that thousands of couples every year marry under the illusion of being ‘in love,’ only to find shortly thereafter that they have seriously erred. Infatuation “lures unsuspecting men and women into poor marriages like lambs to the slaughter,” says Ray Short in his book Sex, Love, or Infatuation.

“He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid.” (Proverbs 28:26) Far too often, the judgment of our  heart is misguided or misdirected. In fact, the Bible says: “The heart is the most deceitful thing there is.” (Jeremiah 17:9, The Living Bible) Yet, the aforementioned proverb continues: “But he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.” You too can escape the dangers and frustrations other youths have suffered if you learn the difference between infatuation and the love described in the Bible​—the love that never fails.

 Love Versus Infatuation

“Infatuation is blind and it likes to stay that way. It doesn’t like to look at reality,” admits 24-year-old Calvin. A 16-year-old girl, Kenya, added, “When you’re infatuated with a person, you think that everything they do is just perfect.”

Infatuation is counterfeit love. It is unrealistic and self-centered. Infatuated persons have a tendency to say: ‘I really feel important when I’m with him. I can’t sleep. I can’t believe how fantastic this is’ or, ‘She really makes me feel good.’ Notice how many times either “I” or “me” is used? A relationship based on selfishness is bound to fail! Note, however, the Bible’s description of true love: “Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury.”​—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.

Since it “does not look for its own interests,” love based on Bible principle is neither self-centered nor selfish. True, a couple may have strong romantic feelings and mutual attraction. But these feelings are balanced by reason and deep respect for the other person.  When you are really in love, you care just as much for the other person’s welfare and happiness as you do for your own. You do not let overpowering emotion destroy good judgment.

An Example of Real Love

The Bible account of Jacob and Rachel vividly illustrates this. This couple met at a well where Rachel had come to water her father’s sheep. Jacob was immediately attracted to her not only because she was “beautiful in form and beautiful of countenance” but because she was a worshiper of Jehovah.​—Genesis 29:1-12, 17.

After spending a full month living in the home of Rachel’s family, Jacob made it known that he was in love with Rachel and wanted to marry her. Mere romantic infatuation? Not at all! During that month, he had seen Rachel in her natural setting​—how she treated her parents and others, how she went about her work as a shepherdess, how seriously she took Jehovah’s worship. Undoubtedly he saw her at both her “best” and her “worst.” His love for her was therefore not unbridled emotion but an unselfish love based on reason and deep respect.

Such being the case, Jacob could declare that he was willing to work for her father seven years to be able to have her as a wife. Certainly no infatuation would have lasted that long! Only genuine love, an unselfish interest in the other, would have made those years seem “like some few days.” Because of that genuine love, they were able to maintain their chastity during that period.​—Genesis 29:20, 21.

 It Takes Time!

True love is therefore not hurt by time. Indeed, often the best way to test out your feelings for someone is to let some time pass. Furthermore, as a young woman named Sandra observed: “A person just doesn’t hand out to you his personality by simply saying: ‘This is what I am. Now you know all about me.’” No, it also takes time to get to know someone you are interested in.

Time also allows you to examine your romantic interest in the light of the Bible. Remember, love “does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests.” Is your companion eager for the success of your plans​—or only for his or her own? Does he or she show respect for your viewpoint, your feelings? Has he or she pressured you to do things that are really ‘indecent’ in order to satisfy selfish passions? Does this person tend to put you down or build you up in front of others? Asking questions like these can help you appraise your feelings more objectively.

Rushing romance invites disaster. “I just fell in love, fast and deep,” explained 20-year-old Jill. After a whirlwind romance of two months, she married. But previously concealed faults began to emerge. Jill began to display some of her insecurity and self-centeredness. Her husband, Rick, lost his romantic charm and became selfish. After being married for about two years, Jill one day screamed that her husband was “cheap,” “lazy,” and a “flop” as a husband. Rick responded by striking her in the face with his fist. In tears, Jill dashed out of their house​—and out of their marriage.

Following the Bible’s counsel would no doubt have  helped them preserve their marriage. (Ephesians 5:22-33) But how different things might have been had they become better acquainted with each other before marriage! Their love would have been not of an “image” but of a real personality​—one with both flaws and strengths. Their expectations would have been more realistic.

Real love does not happen overnight. Nor is the person who would make you a good marriage mate necessarily someone you find overwhelmingly attractive. Barbara, for example, met a young man whom she admits she was not overly attracted to​—at first. “But as I got to know him better,” recalls Barbara, “things changed. I saw Stephen’s concern for other people and how he always put the interests of others before himself. These were the qualities I knew would make a good husband. I was drawn to him and began to love him.” A solid marriage resulted.

So how can you know true love? Your heart may speak, but trust your Bible-trained mind. Get to know more than the person’s external “image.” Give the relationship time to blossom. Remember, infatuation reaches a fever pitch in a short time but then fades. Genuine love grows stronger with time and becomes “a perfect bond of union.”​—Colossians 3:14.

Questions for Discussion

□ What is the danger of falling in love with someone’s looks?

□ Can your heart be trusted to recognize real love?

□ What are some differences between love and infatuation?

□ Why do dating couples often split up? Is this always wrong?

□ How can you deal with feelings of rejection if a romance has been terminated?

□ Why is it important to take time to get to know each other?

[Blurb on page 242]

Is it the person you are in love with or just an “image”?

[Blurb on page 247]

“Infatuation is blind and it likes to stay that way. It doesn’t like to look at reality.”​—A 24-year-old man

[Blurb on page 250]

“I can only be a ‘Hi, how are you?’ person now. I am not letting any person get close to me”

 [Box/​Picture on page 248, 249]

How Can I Get Over a Broken Heart?

You just know this is the one you will marry. You enjoy each other’s company, you share common interests, and you sense a mutual attraction. Then, suddenly, the relationship dies, exploding in a burst of anger​—or melting in tears.

In his book The Chemistry of Love, Dr. Michael Liebowitz likens the onset of love to the rush of a powerful drug. But like a drug, such love can trigger raging ‘withdrawal symptoms’ if it dies. And it makes little difference whether the love is mere infatuation or the ‘real thing.’ Both can create dizzying highs​—and agonizing lows if the relationship ends.

The feelings of rejection, hurt, and perhaps outrage that come in the wake of a breakup may thus sour your view of the future. One young woman speaks of herself as ‘wounded’ because of being jilted. “I can only be a ‘Hi, how are you?’ person [with the opposite sex] now,” she says. “I am not letting any person get close to me.” The deeper the commitment you feel in a relationship, the deeper the hurt its breakup can cause.

Yes, indeed, the freedom to court whom you please carries a hefty price tag: the real possibility of rejection. There simply is no guarantee that true love will grow. So if someone began courting you with honest intentions but later concluded that marriage would be unwise, you have not necessarily been dealt with unfairly.

The problem is, even when a breakup is handled with the utmost tact and kindness, you are still bound to feel hurt and rejected. This is no reason to lose your self-esteem, however. The fact that you were not “right” in this person’s eyes does not mean that you will not be just right in the eyes of someone else!

Try putting the defunct romance in cool perspective. The breakup may very well have spotlighted disturbing things about the person you were involved with​—emotional immaturity, indecision, inflexibility, intolerance, a lack of consideration  for your feelings. These are hardly desirable qualities in a marriage mate.

What if the breakup is entirely one-sided and you are convinced that a marriage would have worked out well? Certainly you have a right to let the other person know how you feel. Perhaps there have simply been some misunderstandings. Emotional ranting and raving accomplishes little. And if he or she insists on splitting up, there is no need for you to humiliate yourself, tearfully begging for the affections of someone who obviously has no feelings for you. Solomon said there is “a time to seek and a time to give up as lost.”​—Ecclesiastes 3:6.

What if you have strong reason to suspect that you were merely being used by someone who never had a sincere interest in marriage in the first place? You need not resort to vindictive reprisals. Be assured that his or her deviousness is not unnoticed by God. His Word says: “The cruel person is bringing ostracism upon his own organism.”​—Proverbs 11:17; compare Proverbs 6:12-15.

From time to time you may still be tormented by loneliness or romantic memories. If so, it’s all right to have a good cry. It also helps to get busy, perhaps in some physical activity or the Christian ministry. (Proverbs 18:1) Keep your mind on things that are cheerful and upbuilding. (Philippians 4:8) Confide in a close friend. (Proverbs 18:24) Your parents may also be of great comfort, even if you feel you are old enough to be independent. (Proverbs 23:22) And above all, confide in Jehovah.

You may now see the need to work on certain aspects of your personality. Your vision of what you want in a marriage mate may be clearer than ever. And having loved and lost, you may decide to handle courtship a bit more prudently should a desirable person come along again​—the likelihood of which may be greater than you think.

[Chart on page 245]

Is It Love or Infatuation?

LOVE INFATUATION

1. An unselfish caring 1. Is selfish, restrictive.

about the interests of One thinks, ‘What does

the other this do for me?’

2. Romance often starts 2. Romance starts fast,

slowly, perhaps taking perhaps taking hours

months or years or days

3. You are attracted by 3. You are deeply impressed

the other person’s total or interested in the

personality and spiritual other’s physical

qualities appearance. (‘He has such

dreamy eyes.’ ‘She’s got

a great figure’)

4. The effect on you is that 4. A destructive,

it makes you a better person disorganizing effect

5. You view the other 5. Is unrealistic. The

realistically, seeing his other person seems perfect.

or her faults, yet loving You ignore any nagging

that one anyway doubts about serious

personality flaws

6. You have disagreements, 6. Arguments are frequent.

but you find that you can Nothing really gets

talk them out and settle them settled. Many are

“settled” with a kiss

7. You want to give and share 7. The emphasis is on

with the other person taking or getting,

especially in satisfying

sexual urges

[Picture on page 244]

A physically attractive, but senseless, man or woman is ‘like a gold ring in the snout of a pig’

[Picture on page 246]

A person who constantly puts you down before others may well lack genuine love for you