Chapter 12

Why Don’t I Like Myself?

“I DON’T feel very special at all,” lamented Louise. Do you, too, occasionally feel bad about yourself?

Really, everyone needs a certain amount of self-esteem. It has been called “the ingredient that gives dignity to human existence.” Further, the Bible says: “You must love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 19:19) And if you feel bad about yourself, you will probably feel bad about others too.

‘I Can’t Do Anything Right!’

Why might you have these negative feelings about yourself? For one thing, your limitations may frustrate you. You are growing up, and often there is a period of awkwardness in which dropping things or bumping into them is a daily embarrassment. Then, too, you simply don’t have an adult’s experience in bouncing back from disappointments. And because your “perceptive powers” haven’t been sufficiently trained “through use,” you may not always make the wisest decisions. (Hebrews 5:14) At times you may feel that you can’t do anything right!

Failure to meet one’s parents’ expectations can be another cause of low self-esteem. “If I make an ‘A minus’ in school,” one youth says, “my folks want to  know why it wasn’t an ‘A’ and tell me I’m a failure.” Of course, it’s instinctive for parents to urge their children to do their very best. And when you fall short of reasonable expectations, you can be sure that you will hear about it. The Bible’s counsel is: “Listen, my son [or daughter], to the discipline of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother.” (Proverbs 1:8, 9) Instead of feeling discouraged, take criticism in stride and learn from it.

What, though, if one’s folks make unfair comparisons? (“Why can’t you be like your older brother, Paul? He was always an honor student.”) Such comparisons, hurtful though they may seem at the time, often make a valid point. Your folks just want the best for you. And if you feel they’re being too hard on you, why not discuss matters with them calmly?

Building Self-Respect

How can you bolster sagging self-esteem? First, take an honest look at your assets and liabilities. You will discover that many of your so-called liabilities are quite petty. What about serious flaws, such as a quick temper or selfishness? Conscientiously work on these problems and your self-respect is sure to grow.

Furthermore, do not blind yourself to the fact that  you already have assets! You may not think that being able to cook or to fix a flat tire is that important. But a hungry person or a stranded motorist will admire you for having such skills! Think, too, of your virtues. Are you studious? Patient? Compassionate? Generous? Kind? These qualities far outweigh minor flaws.

It may also help to consider this brief checklist:

Set realistic goals: If you always shoot for the stars, you can suffer bitter disappointment. Set goals that are attainable. How about learning a skill such as typing? Learn to play a musical instrument or to speak another language. Improve or branch out in your reading. Self-respect is a useful by-product of accomplishment.

Do good work: If you do shoddy work, you’re not going to feel good about yourself. God took pleasure in his creative works and declared the creative epochs to be “good” at their completion. (Genesis 1:3-31) You, too, can take pleasure in whatever work you do at home or in school by doing it skillfully and conscientiously.​—See Proverbs 22:29.

Do things for others: Self-respect is not gained by sitting back and letting others wait on you hand and foot. Jesus said that “whoever wants to become great . . . must be [a] minister,” or servant, for others.​—Mark 10:43-45.

For example, 17-year-old Kim budgeted 60 hours each month of summer vacation to help others learn Bible truths. She says: “It has brought me closer to Jehovah. It has also helped me to develop a real love for people.” It is not likely that this happy young woman will be lacking in self-respect!

Pick your friends carefully: “My relationship with myself is a very unhappy one,” said 17-year-old Barbara.  “When I am with people who have confidence in me, I do good work. With those who treat me as an accessory to a machine, I become stupid.”

People who are high-minded or insulting can indeed make you feel bad about yourself. So pick friends who are truly interested in your welfare, friends who build you up.​—Proverbs 13:20.

Make God your closest friend: “Jehovah is my crag and my stronghold,” declared the psalmist David. (Psalm 18:2) His confidence was not in his own abilities but in his close friendship with Jehovah. Thus, when adversity later struck him, he could withstand severe criticism without losing his composure. (2 Samuel 16:7, 10) You, too, can “draw close to God” and thus “boast,” not in yourself, but in Jehovah!​—James 2:21-23; 4:8; 1 Corinthians 1:31.

Dead Ends

One writer said: “Sometimes the adolescent with a weak identity and low self-esteem tries to develop a false front or facade with which to face the world.” The roles some assume are familiar: The “tough guy,” the promiscuous socialite, the outrageously clad punk rocker. But beneath the facades, such youths still grapple with feelings of inferiority.​—Proverbs 14:13.

 Consider, for example, those who indulge in promiscuity “to banish feelings of depression, to increase self-esteem [by feeling wanted], to achieve intimacy and, with pregnancy, to gain the love and unquestioning acceptance of another human being​—a baby.” (Coping With Teenage Depression) One disenchanted young woman wrote: “I tried to substitute sexual intimacy as a comfort, rather than trying to build a solid relationship with my Creator. All I built was emptiness, loneliness and more depression.” Beware, then, of such dead ends.

A Word of Caution

Interestingly, the Scriptures frequently warn against thinking too highly of oneself! Why is this? Apparently because most of us, in our efforts to gain self-confidence, tend to overshoot the mark. Many become egotistical and grossly exaggerate their skills and abilities. Some elevate themselves by putting others down.

Back in the first century, intense rivalry between Jews and Gentiles (non-Jews) afflicted a Christian congregation in Rome. So the apostle Paul reminded the Gentiles that only by means of God’s “kindness” had they been “grafted” into a position of God’s favor. (Romans 11:17-36)  Self-righteous Jews, too, had to confront their imperfections. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” said Paul.​—Romans 3:23.

Paul did not strip them of self-esteem but said: “For through the undeserved kindness given to me I tell everyone . . . not to think more of himself than it is necessary to think.” (Romans 12:3) So while it is “necessary” to have a measure of self-respect, one should not go to extremes in this regard.

As Dr. Allan Fromme observes: “A person who has an adequate conception of himself is not sad, but he does not have to be deliriously happy. . . . He is not pessimistic, but his optimism is not unbridled. He is neither foolhardy nor free of specific fears . . . He realizes that he is not the outstanding success of all time, nor is he a perennial [continual] failure.”

So be modest. “God opposes the haughty ones, but he gives undeserved kindness to the humble ones.” (James 4:6) Acknowledge your assets, but don’t ignore your faults. Rather, work on them. You’ll still doubt yourself from time to time. But you need not ever doubt your self-worth or that God cares for you. For “if anyone loves God, this one is known by him.”​—1 Corinthians 8:3.

Questions for Discussion

□ Why do some youths have negative feelings about themselves? Can you relate to the way such youths feel?

□ How might you handle the demands of your parents?

□ What are some ways to build self-respect?

□ What are some dead ends to building self-esteem?

□ Why must you be careful not to think too highly of yourself?

[Blurb on page 98]

Self-esteem has been called “the ingredient that gives dignity to human existence”

[Picture on page 99]

Do you feel dejected, inferior? There is a solution

[Picture on page 101]

Becoming a boaster or a braggart is no solution to having low self-esteem

[Picture on page 102]

Do you sometimes feel you can’t do anything right?