OMNYE umntu ofelweyo ubhala athi: “Ukukhula kwam eNgilani, ndafundiswa ukuba ndingazibonakalisi ekuhleni iimvakalelo zam. Ndikhumbula utata, owayelijoni ngaphambili, edibanise amazinyo esithi kum, ‘Ungakh’ ulinge ukhale!’ xa kwakukho into endenze buhlungu. Andikhumbuli umama encamisa okanye esanga nawuphi na kuthi bantwana (sasingabantwana abane). Ndandineminyaka engama-56 xa utata wafayo. Ndandilahlekelwe kakhulu. Kodwa, ekuqaleni, andizange ndikwazi ukulila.”

Kwezinye iindawo, abantu bazibonakalisa ngokukhululekileyo iimvakalelo zabo. Enokuba bonwabile okanye bakhathazekile, abanye bayayazi indlela abavakalelwa ngayo. Kwelinye icala, kwiindawo ezithile zehlabathi, ngokukodwa kumntla Yurophu naseBritani, abantu, ngokukodwa amadoda, baqheliswe ukuzifihla iimvakalelo zabo, ukuzicinezela, ukuhlala bazole nokuba sekuhle esinjani na isihelegu. Kodwa xa ulahlekelwe ngumntu omthandayo, ngaba ngandlel’ ithile kuphosakele ukubonakalisa intlungu okuyo? Ithini iBhayibhile?

IBhayibhile yabhalwa ngamaHebhere awayehlala kummandla ongasempuma kwiMeditera, awayengabantu abazibonakalisayo iimvakalelo zabo. Iqulethe imizekelo emininzi yabantu abakubonakalisa ngokuphandle ukuba buhlungu kwabo. UKumkani uDavide waba buhlungu ngenxa yokulahlekelwa ngunyana wakhe owabulawayo uAmnon. Eneneni, ‘watsho isililo esikhulu kunene.’ (2 Samuweli 13:28-39) Kwakhona waba buhlungu akulahlekelwa ngunyana wakhe olitshijolo uAbhisalom, owayezame ukumhlutha ubukumkani. Ingxelo yeBhayibhile iyasixelela: “Wagungqa ukumkani [uDavide]; wenyuka waya egumbini eliphezu kwesango, walila, wathetha ekuyeni kwakhe esithi, Nyana wam, Abhisalom, nyana wam, nyana wam, Abhisalom! Akwaba bekufe mna esikhundleni sakho, Abhisalom, nyana wam, nyana wam!” (2 Samuweli 18:33) UDavide wayebuhlungu njengaye nawuphi na ubawo. Yaye kufuthi kangakanani abaye abazali banqwenela ukuba ngekufe bona kunokuba kufe abantwana babo! Kubonakala kungeyonto yokwemvelo kwaphela ukufa komntwana ngaphambi komzali.

UYesu wasabela njani ekufeni komhlobo wakhe uLazaro? Walila xa wayesondela engcwabeni lakhe. (Yohane 11:30-38) Kamva, uMariya waseMagadala walila njengoko wayesondela engcwabeni likaYesu. (Yohane 20:11-16) Liyinyaniso elokuba umKristu oliqondayo ithemba leBhayibhile lovuko akabi buhlungu angathuthuzeleki, njengokuba besenjenjalo abathile iinkolelo zabo ngemeko yabafi  ezingasekelwanga ngokucacileyo eBhayibhileni. Kodwa njengomntu oneemvakalelo eziqhelekileyo, umKristu wokwenyaniso, kwanaxa enethemba lovuko, uba buhlungu xa elahlekelwe ngumntu amthandayo.—1 Tesalonika 4:13, 14.

Kuthekani ngeendlela esisabela ngazo namhlanje? Ngaba ukufumanisa kunzima okanye kubangela iintloni ukubonakalisa iimvakalelo zakho? Abacebisi bancomela ntoni? Iimbono zabo zezi mini ngokufuthi ziyavumelana nobulumko obaphefumlelwa mandulo beBhayibhile. Bathi sifanele siyibonakalise intlungu esikuyo, singayicinezeli. Oku kusikhumbuza amadoda athembekileyo amandulo, anjengoYobhi, uDavide noYeremiya, iBhayibhile esichazela iindlela awayibonakalisa ngazo intlungu awayekuyo. Ngokuqinisekileyo akazange azifihle iimvakalelo zawo. Ngoko ke, akubobulumko ukuzahlula ebantwini. (IMizekeliso 18:1) Kakade ke, ukuba buhlungu kubonakaliswa ngeendlela ezahlukahlukeneyo kwiindawo ezahlukahlukeneyo,  kuxhomekeka nakwiinkolelo zonqulo ezixhaphakileyo. a

Kuthekani ukuba uziva ufuna ukulila? Kuyinto yokwemvelo ngabantu ukulila. Kwakhona khumbula isihlandlo sokufa kukaLazaro, xa uYesu ‘wachukumiseka entliziyweni, zehla iinyembezi.’ (Yohane 11:33, 35, TE) Ngaloo ndlela wabonisa ukuba ukulila kuyindlela yokwemvelo yokusabela ekufeni komntu obumthanda.

Oku kuxhaswa yimeko yomama, uAnne, owayefelwe lusana lwakhe uRachel ngenxa yesifo seSIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome [ISifo Sokufa Kweentsana Ngesiquphe]). Umyeni wakhe wathi: “Into emangalisayo kukuba mna noAnne asizange sikhale emngcwabeni. Bonke abanye abantu babelila.” Oku, uAnne wakuphendula ngokuthi: “Kunjalo, kodwa indlela endikhale kakhulu ngayo ndicinga ukuba besele ndikhalela thina sobabini. Ndicinga ukuba ndaba buhlungu gqitha emva kweeveki ezimbalwa ihlile le ntlekele, xa ekugqibeleni ndandindedwa endlwini ngenye imini. Ndakhala imini yonke. Kodwa ndicinga ukuba oko kwandinceda. Ndaziva ndibhetele emva koko. Ndandimele ndibe buhlungu ngokufa kosana lwam. Eneneni ndicinga ukuba ufanele ubavumele abantu ababuhlungu balile. Nangona ngokuqhelekileyo abanye beye basabele ngokuthi, ‘Sukukhala,’ eneneni oko akuncedi.”

Basabela njani abanye xa besentlungwini yokulahlekelwa ngumntu abamthandayo? Ngokomzekelo, makhe siqwalasele imeko kaJuanita. Uyazi ukuba kunjani ukufelwa lusana. Wayephume isisu kahlanu. Ngoku wayekhulelwe kwakhona. Ngoko xa ingozi yenqwelo-mafutha yabangela ukuba alaliswe esibhedlele, sasiqondakala isizathu sokuba akhathazeke. Emva kweeveki ezimbini wafikelwa yinimba—ngaphambi kwexesha. Ngokukhawuleza emva koko uVanessa omncinane wazalwa—enobunzima obungaphezulwana kweekhilogram ezisisi-0,9. UJuanita ukhumbula oku: “Ndandichwayite gqitha. Ekugqibeleni ndandingumama!”

Kodwa olo lonwabo lwalulolwexeshana. Emva kweentsuku ezine uVanessa wafa. UJuanita  ukhumbula oku: “Ndandiziva ndingento. Ndandahluthwe ilungelo lam lokuba ngumama. Kwakungathi kukho into esusiweyo kum. Kwakunzima ukubuyela ekhaya kwigumbi esasililungiselele uVanessa ndize ndijonge ezo mpahlana ndandimthengele zona. Kangangeenyanga eziliqela ezalandelayo, ndandisoloko ndicinga ngomhla wokuzalwa kwakhe. Ndandingafuni kuba nanto yakwenza naye nabani na.”

Ngaba wasabela ngendlela egabadeleyo? Kusenokuba nzima ngabanye ukuqonda, kodwa abo, njengoJuanita, baye bahlangabezana noku bathi baye babuhlungu ngosana lwabo kanye njengokuba bebeya kwenjenjalo ngomntu obephile kangangexesha elithile. Bathi, kangangethuba elide ngaphambi kokuba umntwana azalwe uyathandwa ngabazali bakhe. Uba nomanyano olukhethekileyo nonina. Xa olo sana lusifa, unina uvakalelwa kukuba kufe umntu wokwenene. Yaye oko koko kufuneka abanye bakuqonde.

Omnye umama wavakalisa iimvakalelo awaba nazo xa waxelelwa ukuba unyana wakhe oneminyaka emithandathu wayefe ngequbuliso ngenxa yesifo sentliziyo awazalwa enaso. “Ndavakalelwa ngeendlela ezahlukahlukeneyo—ukutyhafa, ukungakholelwa, ukuziva ndinetyala, nomsindo kuba umyeni wam nogqirha bengazange bayiqonde indlela awayegula kakhulu ngayo.”

Umsindo usenokuba yenye indlela yokubonakalisa ukuba buhlungu. Kusenokuba ngumsindo koogqirha nabongikazi, uvakalelwa kukuba bebefanele ukuba benze okungakumbi ukunyamekela ongasekhoyo. Okanye isenokuba ngumsindo kubahlobo nezalamane, abasenokubonakala ngathi bathetha okanye benza into ephosakeleyo. Bambi baba nomsindo kulowo ubashiyileyo kuba engayinyamekelanga impilo yakhe. UStella ukhumbula oku: “Ndikhumbula ndinomsindo kumyeni wam ngenxa yokuba ndisazi ukuba ngekwakuphetshiwe okwakwenzekile. Wayegula kakhulu, kodwa wayezityeshele izilumkiso zoogqirha.” Yaye maxa wambi umsindo ujoliswa kulowo ungasekhoyo ngenxa yemithwalo ukufa kwakhe okuyithe zinzi emagxeni abasaphilayo.

Bambi baziva benetyala ngenxa yomsindo—oko kukuthi, basenokuzigweba ngenxa yokuba benomsindo. Bambi balibeka phezu kwabo ityala lokufa kwalowo bamthandayo. Bazixelela ukuba, “ngengafanga, ukuba nje bendimenze  waya kwagqirha ngokukhawuleza” okanye “bendimenze waya komnye ugqirha” okanye “bendimenze wayinyamekela ngakumbi impilo yakhe.”

Kwabanye ukuziva benetyala kudlulela ngapha koko, ngokukodwa ukuba lowo bebemthanda ufe ngesiquphe, ngokungalindelekanga. Baqalisa ukukhumbula amaxesha ebebenomsindo ngawo kulowo ungasekhoyo okanye baxambulisana naye. Okanye basenokuvakalelwa kukuba abamenzelanga zonke izinto ebebefanele ukuba bamenzele zona ongasekhoyo.

Ukuba buhlungu ixesha elide koomama abaninzi kuxhasa oko iingcali ezininzi zikutshoyo, ukuthi ukufa komntwana kushiya isikhewu esingasokuze sivaleke ebomini babazali, ngokukodwa umama.

Ukulahlekelwa liqabane lomtshato lolunye uhlobo lwentlungu, ngokukodwa ukuba izinto ezininzi bebezenza kunye. Kusenokuthetha ukuphela kwayo yonke indlela ebebephila ngayo, bekhenketha, besebenza, bezonwabisa kunye, yaye omnye exhomekeke komnye.

UEunice uchaza okwenzekayo xa umyeni wakhe wafa ngesiquphe ngenxa yesifo sentliziyo. “Kwiveki yokuqala, ndandingenazimvakalelo tu kwaphela, ngokungathi kwakungasekho nto isebenzayo kum. Ndandingakwazi nditsho nokujoja okanye ukungcamla. Kodwa, ingqondo yam yayiqhubeka isebenza yodwa. Ngenxa yokuba ndandikunye  nomyeni wam ngoxa babezama ukuncedisana nokubetha kwentliziyo nemiphunga yakhe yaye besebenzisa namayeza, andizange ndibe nengxaki eqhelekileyo yokungakwamkeli ukufa kwakhe. Sekunjalo, ndandinemvakalelo enamandla yokungabinto, ngokungathi ndandibukele inqwelo-mafutha iseyela eliweni kungekho nto ndinokuyenza.”

Ngaba wakhala? “Kakade ndakhala, ngokukodwa xa ndandifunda amakhulu amakhadi ovelwano endandiwafumene. Ndandikhala xa ndifunda ngalinye kuwo. Kwakundinceda ndikwazi ukujamelana nosuku ngalunye. Kodwa kwakungekho nto inokundinceda xa ndandibuzwa ngokuphindaphindiweyo ukuba ndandivakalelwa njani. Ngokucacileyo, ndandisentlungwini.”

Yintoni eyanceda uEunice wahlangabezana nentlungu awayekuyo? Uthi: “Ndingaqondanga, ndenza isigqibo sokuba ndiqhubeke nobomi bam. Noko ke, okusebuhlungu kum kuxa ndikhumbula ukuba umyeni wam, owayebuthanda gqitha ubomi, akakho ukuze abunandiphe.”

Ababhali bencwadi ethi Leavetaking—When and How to Say Goodbye bacebisa oku: “Musa ukuvumela abanye bakuxelele indlela omawenze okanye indlela omawuvakalelwe ngayo. Ukuba sentlungwini kwahlukile kumntu ngamnye. Abanye basenokucinga—baze bakuxelele—ukuba intlungu okuyo uyibonakalisa ngokugqithiseleyo okanye akuyibonakalisi ngokwaneleyo. Baxolele uze ulibale ngoko. Ngokuzama ukuzinyanzela ukwenza ngendlela efunwa ngabanye okanye libutho ohlala kulo, uyayidodobalisa inkqubela yakho esa ekuphileni ngokweemvakalelo.”

Kakade ke, abantu abahlukahlukeneyo bahlangabezana nentlungu abakuyo ngeendlela ezahlukeneyo. Asizami kuthi enye indlela ilunge ngakumbi kunenye kumntu ngamnye. Noko ke, kubakho ingozi xa ungahambeli phambili, xa loo mntu usentlungwini engakwazi kuyamkela imeko injengokuba injalo. Ngoko kusenokufuneka abahlobo abanovelwano bancede. IBhayibhile ithi: “Umhlobo uthanda ngamaxesha onke; umzalwana uzalelwe imbandezelo.” Ngoko musa ukoyika ukufuna uncedo, ukuthetha, nokulila.—IMizekeliso 17:17.

Ukuba buhlungu yintsabelo yokwemvelo xa ulahlekelwe, yaye akunto iphosakeleyo ukuba intlungu okuyo ibonakale kwabanye. Kodwa kukho eminye imibuzo ekufuneka iphendulwe: ‘Ndinokuhlangabezana njani nentlungu endikuyo? Ngaba kuyinto yokwemvelo ukuziva unetyala nokuba nomsindo? Ndinokuhlangabezana njani nezi ndlela zokusabela? Yintoni enokundinceda ndihlangabezane nokulahlekelwa nokuba sentlungwini?’ Icandelo elilandelayo liza kuyiphendula loo mibuzo neminye.